one night as always...

Losing it...

i am on the edge tonight
as eliot said "my nerves are bad tonight"
i am suspended in time
and i want to gaze into the future
i m impatient tonight
tell me
someone tell me
am i staying in here
or should i start packing stuff
and start disposing off things
but i just bought them
and i am still paying instalments on them

i am calling the astrologer tonight
maybe she can tell
who can tell?
i wonder
who else can?

I think of nothing...

the blank screen, the familiar keyboard and the now-cold cup of coffee stare at me
they are waiting - all of them
but i sit and smoke into the endless night
thoughts have left me
but memories still hound me
and they haunt me too
there are so many things that come in flashes
i see the lizards on the walls
i see the smoke curling up from the cheap cigarettes that the rickshaw-walla smoked underneath the parapet of my house
i see the old paint on the walls, the cracks in the door and the dirty fans
i see faces - known and unknown
but they are all so familiar
i see them all
and see them again and again

i don't want to think
there is no end to it
it makes me yearn
it makes me miserable

i am stuck
in time, in place and in thought
in action too

what can i leave behind to claim what i left behind
is there something at all
but will what i left behind be still intact in the moment
my friends have kids now
my boyfriend has another girlfriend now
and my little brothers are dating women now
One cousin is 6-feet now

i feel old
and i feel cheated
when i stepped out, i assumed i could step back in
and all will be the how i left them...in that moment, in that space, in those surroundings

i feel i am losing it too
my memory is unreliable
i can't verify it
i can't go back in time
and i have been traveling in time always

maybe i should just sip the coffee and wait for life to come back
in the meanwhile, i should continue this existence