"Success has many fathers. Failure has none. Why do you come after me? Media always goes for those shining stars." - Ravi Kumar to me

We went to the UPSC building after the results were announced to "get colour" but there was nobody there except a few television crew members who were trying to capture some footage of the list. We hung around waiting for candidates to trickle in. At last we saw Ravi Kumar looking at the list anxiously. And we tried to help him find his name. At one time, I thought I saw it. But it was "Ravit Kumar" and he corrected me saying he had made the same mistake. When he was sure he hadn't cleared the exams, we were sad, too. I followed him and he told me something I will always remember "At the end of the day, I will be alone with my sorrow."

An edited verison was published in Indian Express Sunday Real Page 3 section on May 9, 2010.


Chinki Sinha
New Delhi, May 7, 2010

When he had only three pages of the list to scan for his name, his fingers stiffened as he rolled them down the list of successful candidates who had made it to the Union Public Service Commission examinations.

No, it was not there. But maybe he had missed it. At least that was the hope then. Ravi Kumar was one of the very few candidates who came to the UPSC building to see the list where they had pasted it on a notice board outside.

He went through the list again. When he had read through 440 names, almost half of the list, tiny beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. He fought off the tears. This was his last attempt. For three years, his name had eluded him. It wasn’t there this year, too.

For the school teacher, becoming a civil servant was a childhood dream, a passion that consumed him, an obsession that didn’t let him pursue anything else. Born and raised in Patna, Bihar, Kumar came to Delhi to prepare for the civil services examinations. He completed his teacher training and worked in a government school in Saket. But that was only to sustain him while he gave all he could to get where he wanted to.

But outside the building where aspirations converge and too many dreams crash, Ravi Kumar didn’t mourn his loss for too long. He needed to get away.

“Success has many fathers and failure has none. At the end of the day, my grief is personal,” he said.

On the list, Shah Faesal, a Kashmiri youth’s name stood out. A doctor, he had topped the list in his first attempt. Son on a man killed by the militants in the valley, he grew up believing he could do it and be a role model for others. He came to Delhi in 2008. Some of his coaching and lodging and boarding were sponsored by the Zakat Foundation of India, which was established in 1997 to help the poor and the needy. Two of the seven candidates the organization had helped – Shah Faesal and Mohd. Shahid Alam, who is from Jharkhand – have made it to the list. For many, the examinations are a great equalizer. It doesn’t cost more than Rs. 100 to take the examinations.

Faesal hadn’t come to see his name. He was the star of the day. Nor had the other toppers - Prakash Rajpurohit, a B Tech holder from IIT, Delhi, who was ranked second, and Iva Sahay, MA (Geography) from JNU, who secured the third rank.
Among the top 25 candidates who had cleared the examination, 15 are male and 10 are female candidates. Their phones were ringing off the hook. The news had reached them.

A few who had come, came anticipating the best, and fearing the worst. By then, they knew they weren’t in the top 25. But the list was long. Maybe, they too figured in the middle, towards the bottom, somewhere.
Ravi Kumar walked away slowly.

A few moments ago, Rahul Sinha had run along the same pavement to hug his friend. He had cracked the examinations and he couldn’t contain his excitement.

From his tea stall, Ravindar Nath watched the expressions closely. He was used to the exuberance that was infectious. But he was also used to seeing the fallen faces and itbroke his heart each time he saw somebody walking away slowly, unsteadily. He knew then that the building, its promise, its myth, and all that it stood for – change, exaltation, fame – had just eluded them.

Nath has been working at the tea stall for more than 35 years. Until five years ago, on the day the results were announced, it was like a mela. There used to be a lot of activity, buzz then.

“People camped here for hours. They would come and spread sheets and sit for hours. They came early and we sold them snacks and tea,” he recalled.

In those days, he also hung a light bulb from a wire on a pole so that in the evenings the place was well lit.

“They used to place the list here on this side. It used to be a different sight then. All along the road, cars were parked. The traffic got crazy as people came to see the list,” he said.

Now, he leaves early. Mostly by 8 p.m.

Now he doesn’t stock the little shop with snacks – patties, cakes and biscuits. The business was different then. He was hardly able to leave before 11 p.m.

“I sold a lot of tea. Now, hardly anyone comes to see the list. They see it on the internet,” he said. “Then the grief is not public.”

A few more trickled in. They were curious passers by, a few relatives, and some friends. An old man studied the list closely. He wasn’t searching for any name in particular. He was just partaking of their success. It made him feel good to see the list, to see so many had made it through.

Rajesh Kumar was on his way home from the Home Ministry office where he works when he jumped off the bus near the UPSC building. He saw some excitement around the place, a lot of television crew and he knew the list was out. His brother Ajay Kumar had taken the examinations and he wanted to surprise him with the good news.

“I hope his name is there,” he said as he scanned the list, meticulously going through every name.

Anup Pandey was already on the phone. His friend Jaishankar Upadhyay had made it to the list. As he was in Gorakhpur, he had asked Anup to look at the list for him. Sometimes, the excitement and the anxiety are too much for the candidates to see the list themselves. They are nervous of the fear, of the extreme possibilities – dejection and exhilaration.

“He is very happy. This was his last attempt,” he said. “He is rank 412.”

On Thursday, the list was put up at around 2:30 p.m. A few people came to see the list in the afternoon but by evening, it was deserted.

Jyoti, a woman guard said last year she had seen a few women last year celebrating outside the building.

“One of them had made it and they came to confirm. They had seen the list online but they wanted to see it on paper outside the building. Then, it wouldn’t be wrong,” she said.

“But this year, it is so silent.”