i move in time
but something is still
in the mind it is the home, in the heart it is a mix of the real and the aspirational
i try hard to shrug and walk away but like the car seat belt, it tugs at me...if i break free too hard, it locks me in
and that's the state in live in...and it makes me a cripple because i don't know which world to inhabit
a world which is rendered dream-like because I am not in it or a world that i move in but which is so unreal and almost barbaric because it ties me down
maybe i don't want to know either
maybe if i knew, i would not admit it
if i admitted it, maybe i would hate myself
self-hate is unbearable sometimes
self-loathing is hellish
i still continue my travel through memories, thorugh time and through space
no bookings to be done, no itineries to be planned
i travel by instinct. one second i am here, the other second i am somewhere else
only in my mind, i move and i move without inhibitions
a nomadic existence is not appealing anymore
in my sleep i am in those parts and in my waking hours i am in these parts
the transition is hard but i do it everyday. it tires me...all these journeys
i adapt, i re-adopt and I let go
and it continues
the worlds are different and walking in and out of them consumes me
i am traveler in time, i guess
one part is past, one is present
there is no future
permanence eludes me and i wonder why
am i damned? will i always be doing this back and forth journeying in time and mind?
damn it if i am damned and doomed
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